


A Tale of Two Mages

by LadyofAvalon



Category: Immortals - Tamora Pierce
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 09:13:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyofAvalon/pseuds/LadyofAvalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All lovers have their spats.  Most, however, are not as...ridiculous as this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Lemony-Chicken Potion

**Author's Note:**

> This work is another parody that Buggy and I wrote - half of the parody was the author's notes we wrote to go along with it, so those are posted here in addition to the actual story.
> 
> There is some character bashing (directed mainly at Jonathan) in this story, but it is meant to be good natured fun and in no way portrays our actual feelings about the character. It is only intended to be funny, nothing more.

**A/N: Buggy sees London, Buggy sees France, Buggy sees Numy-pie in his underpants  
Lioness: Well, we obviously know who BUGGY has a crush on...  
Buggy: I have no comment other than that I am not in love with a fictional character ( Numy-pie is real!)  
Lioness:...Okay...Numair is real...(SAVE ME!)  
Buggy: Just read the story (if you review I will give you chocolate covered Numy-pie's)  
Lioness: What she said, but without the 'Numy-pies'...Enjoy...  
Buggy: That's right he's mine so back off!  
Lioness: O.o (steps away from Buggy) Whatever...  
Buggy: You're just jealous because we wrote the story about Numy-pie and not Rosto(who Lioness has an unhealthy obsession with[including a disturbing shrine)  
Lioness: I have what, now? (Okay, she's right about the obsession, but it's not unhealthy, and I do not have a shrine dedicated to Rosto. That would be blasphemy - I'm a Christian...)  
Buggy: Enough of our inane blabbering please read the story and if you don't like it I'm sorry, if you do you are my new best Friend)  
Lioness: Hey! I thought I was your best friend...**

**How will this author's note end? Just wait until chapter two!**

* * *

A Tale of Two Mages

Chapter 1: The lemony-chicken potion

Once upon a time there were two mages that were madly in love with each other. Like every other normal couple they had lovers spats. Only problem they were both insanely powerful. Beware to anyone that got in their way when they were at war.

It was a bright sunny day when the first "incident" occurred. Unfortunately Numair Salmalin was not enjoying it with his fiancée, he was in his work room slaving over an experiment he had been working on for the last week. Said fiancée was plotting an evil plan to distract said mage from his work. Said fiancée had already done everything within her power short of dropping an elephant on said mage to allure him away from his tedious hobby.

Hearing Arra-Numair (sorry wrong name) collapse she crept quietly into the workroom and over to the table that was housing the experiment. Inside a heinously bulbous container was a slimy yellow liquid that smelled like chicken. Roasted chicken with scallions and fresh herbs with a hint of lemon to be precise. Carefully she tipped said heinously bulbous container over and poured said lemony-chicken liquid out the window. Everything would have been perfect had the Lioness not been walking below said window. Showing her ever present temper she threw a tantrum the likes of which shall not be described in detail. In order to preserve innocence most of the words she screamed (at a pitch no human ears could hear[except for Daine]) at a certain master mage with black hair, deep brown eyes and a dashing wonderful, handsome (cough) …will not be recorded. Daine giggled maniacally at her extremely ticked off friend. Num(y-pie)air would not be able to ignore her now.

Num(y-pie)air woke to his fiancée laughing out the window with a missing experiment and an odd buzzing in his ears(Alanna's high pitched shrieking could be heard by his wonderfully, sensitive, masculine…[cough] ears). "Dainy-poo where is my potion." Dain(y-poo)e turned around and thought for a few moments with a decidedly too innocent look on her face. "What potion Numy-pie?" He had seen that look before, the same look when she had done something naughty. "Veralidaine Fuchsia Sarrasri how dare you touch my ( lemony-chicken) flavoring potion!" With a cry of sheer monstrosity he launched himself into the next room and flew (literally) out of their rooms.

Three hours (though it feels like years without a certain master mage with black hair, deep brown eyes and a dashing wonderful, handsome [cough not there]) later:

Dainy-poo (as she will now be called for all eternity[maniacal laughter from Buggy and Lioness]) walked into the rooms she shared with Numy-pie (see above parentheses). Observing her surroundings she halted and fainted in an un-elegant heap on the floor. You may ask dear reader what would cause such an awful reaction from our dear (master mage stealing) wildmage. I am sorry to say you will have to wait till the next chapter. SO HURRY UP AND REVIEW!


	2. Revenge for a Bubble Bath

**A/N: Last time:**

**_Buggy: Enough of our inane blabbering please read the story and if you don't like it I'm sorry, if you do you are my new best Friend)  
Lioness: Hey! I thought I was your best friend..._ **

**Buggy: I am fickle what can I say?  
** **Johnny Depp: And the Oscar goes to Buggy for the greatest review.  
** **Buggy: Yes! That's right I am my own best friend (not counting Lioness's Rosto plushie).  
Lioness: Hey! Who said you got to pick! I say Lady Wolf gets it! Wait - I have a Rosto plushie? GIVE IT!  
Buggy: To your first question I didn't give it Johnny Depp did, therefore I can not be held responsible. Your Rosto plushie is currently being held hostage. If you want him back you will deliver 5 gallons of chocolate to the chapel...alone...at five tonight.  
Lioness: -Gives Buggy a death glare- You still picked. There are two of us at the computer, and I ain't Johnny Depp, sweetie. As for the plushie...GIVE IT NOW OR YOU WILL NOT GET YOUR NUMAIR PLUSHIE BACK! There. I'm done yelling now.  
Buggy: WELL I CERTAINLY AIN'T. Now I am done. Now I think that we should be nice and let our nice reviewers (or else) get on to reading the story( and Lioness can get back to her shrine that does exist).  
Lioness: AHHHHHHHHH! I DO NOT HAVE A SHRINE! GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL! I DO NOT HAVE A SHRINE!  
Buggy: I thought that you were done yelling? HAHA. I win... you lose... fool.  
Lioness: Shut up. Or I'll burn your Numy-pie plushie. So, anyways, my pick for best reviewer is Lady Wolf acos hers is really long and funny, and was fun to reply to. So, I'm off to go find the matches now so that I can burn said plushie of Buggy's. Bye!  
Buggy: Don't tell her but I have five other one's under my bed and various other places that will not be mentioned for their safety. Bye! I love you if you review. If not Stormwing dung on you!  
Lioness: You have problems. And I already have those plushies. I burned them two weeks ago.**

**And with this, we leave you. Just wait until next time...I(Lioness) think Buggy's gonna blow a circuit...  
(Buggy: We are so not done yet!)**

* * *

Chapter 2: Revenge for the Bubble Bath

Whomever it may concern,

The chapter is officially here, your waiting is over. Now with much ado and insanity we offer you the latest installment of: A Tale of Two Mages.

From,  
Buggy & Lioness

Numair walked into his dark rooms after an hour of bubble baths. Just as wary as his wild (mage stealing) fiancée he peered curiously around for said (mage stealing) fiancée. He found her curled on the ground rocking back and forth repeating a mantra that made no sense. Something about "girls in white dresses" and "brown paper packages tied up with string" and "my favorite things."

Unbeknownst to both of them the apartment was no longer covered with the faux fur the master mage (with a nice nose) had decorated it with had disappeared (really Kit had just stolen them and draped them on various statues of King Jonathan[when asked about it later she said it was to save people's eyes]). If he had known that the "prank" would have an affect on his magelet said mage would have refrained. Now there was no hope. Daine would never forgive him for all those animal furs (even if they weren't real[Numair would never kill animals for their pelts(maybe)). He tried to comfort his magelet but she refused to let him touch her, shrieking "Your hands are stained with the blood of the People (and the yellow lemony-chicken potion), they will not be touching me"!

In the end he was kicked out of their rooms and forced to sleep on a couch in Nealan of Queenscove's room. The entire night was spent tossing and turning on a tiny couch angry at Daine and Neal (he was snoring obnoxiously). He almost fell asleep to be woken by an unholy sound. The sound of the Lioness screeching about something unimportant when he was trying to sleep!

Meanwhile in the Lioness and George's room:

George: "Alanna, lass what's that odor? It smells like my Mother's lemony-chicken."

Alanna: "Georgie-boy (don't ask) I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it, walk out of the room and around the street corner."

George: "Alanna I can't sleep with you smelling like that."

Alanna: "Are you inferring that I smell?"

George: "Well, yes."

Alanna: (shrieks something indecipherable and pounces on her husband)

Back to the story:

The next morning Numair walked slowly through the halls electrocuting anyone that talked to him (especially Jon) with his Gift. Reaching the rooms he had previously shared with his magelet he smelled fire. With bewildering quickness for the morning he realized what Daine was doing. "NNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOT MY BOOKS!" Charging toward the door he slammed into it full force, hurt his shoulder, cursed, remembered he had a key and realized it wasn't even locked. Once inside he was greeted with all his bookcases empty. (MUAHAHAHAHAHA[we've been practicing]) There was a roaring fire going filled with pages and books. Screaming like a little girl with terror he dove for his books.

Meanwhile in Numair's summer home (the tower near the Swoop):

Daine and Kit made short work of his books. In reality they were just stealing them and hiding them in a cave where she knew they would be safe. The burning pages were from Jon's diary and deserved to be destroyed(details of manicuring, hair-coloring etc.[oh come on there is no way that hair color is real]). As mad as she was, she realized it was suicide and homicide to truly destroy Numair's books. Hopefully he would be smart enough to realize they weren't real and not reach into the fire for them.

Dear Reader,

The plot thickens! How will Numair retaliate to the destruction of his second most prized worldly possession (Jon's diary?). Will they ever be able to forgive each other, or will it be full out war? Read the next chapter to find out.

The Insane (yes it's a title now) Buggy with help (Buggy: not really [Lioness: yes really]) from Lioness the unhealthily obsessed Rosto fan girl (Lioness: Hey![Buggy:HAHA]).


	3. The Little Black Box

**A/N:  
Last time:**

**_Buggy: Don't tell her but I have five other one's under my bed and various other places that will not be mentioned for their safety. Bye! I love you if you review. If not Stormwing dung on you!  
Lioness: You have problems. And I already have those plushies. I burned them two weeks ago._ **

**Buggy: (sniffles) WAHAHAHA. She burned my plushies. NUMY-PIE!  
Lioness: You still have one left, you know...-holds up said plushie- Now gimme my plushie back, or I'll burn this one. (Maybe)  
Buggy: Never! I refuse to bend under your dictorial tyranny!  
Lioness: ...  
Buggy: I said that I won't do it in British. See I am bilingual, acutally trilingual I am fluent in pig latin as well.  
Lioness: I know what you said, I just refused to dignify it with a responce. -holds up matches- What says Buggy? Shall we stop trying to destroy each others' plushies and do sommat funny?  
Buggy: (snatches plushie from Lioness and does a little dance) Yes! Good idea. Your plushie will be returned, but in the meantime. Cesspool muck and stormwing dung on those of you who didn't review! GRR I am angry!  
Lioness: -pokes- Gimme plushie. Now.  
Buggy: Dude later, I am ranting right now at the NON-reviewers.  
Lioness: Then let's say thank you to Lady Wolf for reviewing...and not get some famous person involved this time, _Buggy._  
Buggy: All those that didn't REVIEW! Are officially not thanked by us. Also I'm taking back my chocolate. Did you hear me?  
Lioness: ...So, you're taking it back after they already ate it? Ew. Now that that's done, GIMME PLUSHIE!  
Buggy: That's it I can't take it anymore (shoves plushie into Lioness' face)! Now read this chapter and review or the consequences will be beyond your imagination!(Buggy puts on a half mask and starts to sing opera)  
Lioness: PLUSHIE! Yay! Also, let me rephrase what my friend said: Reviewing would make our day! Please? -Takes away Buggy's mask- Sweetie, this isn't Phantom of the Opera...-Runs away from Buggy-  
Buggy: Give it back! Buggy warned you not to touch the mask, now you can never be free!  
Lioness: And I care, why? **

**How will this end? Is Lioness going to be punjabed by Buggy(who stole it from Phantom of the Opera) or will she get away and poke Buggy to death? Find out! Next time...  
(Buggy: I did not mean aforementioned statement kindly. I meant review or I am crashing chandeliers[or any form of light I can find  
Lioness: Stop it. The end was up there -points, then drags Buggy off screaming for Erik-) **

* * *

Chapter 3: The Little Black Box

Dear person ( We hope you are a person),

Our love…birds ( no really they can both turn into birds[do you get it?) are torturing each other in the cruelest forms possible. Don't you love it? But the question is how will Numair (Numy-pie) retaliate. Also how long will this go on?

From,  
US

Numair reached into the fire. Heedless of it's burning power for the precious pages of his numerous books (really Jon's diary) that were already dead. Getting burned he fell onto the floor sobbing hysterically, only to come to the obvious assumption that his sleeve was on fire. Jumping up in a mass of tense terror he proceeded to run through the castle screaming.

Most of the castle's inhabitants were used to his peculiar behavior so they chose to run in the opposite direction (Which is quite funny to watch when they have skirts and petticoats on). Alanna on the other hand got out of Numy-pie's way and stared after him with a puzzled glance. That idiot, why doesn't he just use his Gift to put the flame out, Alanna thought, then she walked away to find someone to terrorize.

Perin being the annoying clerk who-is-unimportant-and-uglier-than-Numy-pie that he was decided to have pity on the mage and threw a bucket of water that had magically appeared next to him on Numair, putting the fire out effectively (I cringe to say).

"Dude, why didn't you just use your Gift?"

"(Buggy is having a brain fart) Listen you uneducated, buffoon, who is trying to steal my girlfriend, did I ask you?"

"No I asked you."

"OMG, shut up," then using his amazing intellect he created a grand plan, a terrifyingly grand, evil plan. "Oh, Perin, speaking of aforementioned girlfriend I was wondering if you could distract Daine by any means possible for say…Oh I don't know half an hour?"

"Dude, I would be honored." Perin's eyes became so large that Numair started to regret his decision. But then on the breeze he smelt the noxious odor of burning books, and his heart hardened.

Three Minutes later:

"Perin, really I am flattered but Numair and I are just having a little trouble right now (sure only a _little_ trouble)." Daine ran away from her ardent pursuer and went to talk to Cloud. The only…person…who could help her in this position. Reaching Cloud's stable she was surprised not to find her equine friend waiting for her, instead there was a note in Numy-pie's hand-writing.

If you ever want to see Cloud again, give me back my books! Or find a way to replace them since most are burned to a crisp.

For a moment Daine contemplated having a tantrum, then she got a much better idea. " Dad!"

Anyway:

Cloud looked around the tiny black box she was currently occupying. _That stupid Stork-man I knew that I should have bit him harder. You give humans an inch and they take a foot (or hoof in this case). Daine that foolish girl-child, it's her fault, I'm not even her sidekick, he gets that._


	4. BOOM!!  Oops.

**A/N: Lioness: Buggy...why did you say that...and how do YOU even know that Numair even wears underpants?  
Buggy: That is not a known fact.  
Lioness: Then why did you say it?  
Buggy: Dude it's rhyme. Meant to be funny, you know, laughter and such.  
Lioness: And is it child-friendly? Or Lioness-friendly? I think not...  
Buggy: Well that my dear Lioness is why it's rated K , kinda like PG.  
Lioness: You didn't answer the second question. How is it LIONESS-FRIENDLY? It's not very nice of you to send my mind right to the gutter...  
Buggy: I am not the one who was visualizing (maybe). It's your own fault that you tried to see Numy-pie in his non/existant underwear. Or would you rather I said Rosto -winks-?  
Lioness: BUGGY! EWWW! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KEEPING IT G RATED?  
Buggy: Dude I was joking. Get your mind out of the the gutter, you'll contaminate the water.  
Lioness: Buggy, shut up.  
Buggy: You see what I have to put up with?-grumbles about wishing away Lioness, goblins, and oubliettes-  
Lioness: Buggy, how do you know that Jareth will even listen to you? Hmm?(Just to let y'all know, Buggy and I watched Labyrinth this week, which all of you should watch, too. It's awesome!)  
Buggy: All I have to say is that my best friends, cousins, uncles, pet monkies, Grandma is a goblin with connections. Plus Jareth is my friend we hang out all the time, why did you think my hair looks like this?  
Lioness: Dude, you hang out with an owl. Not an owl that turns into the Goblin King. An _owl_. Got it?  
Buggy: That's what you mere mortals think.  
Lioness: -steps FAR away from Buggy- You know what, I think I'm going to leave you alone, and go do something else...that doesn't involve being dragged off to a mental institute...  
Buggy: Speaking of mental institutes what was last Author's Note? You stole Phantom and I want him back! He's mine and I can't sing without him.  
Last time: _Lioness: PLUSHIE! Yay! Also, let me rephrase what my friend said: Reviewing would make our day! Please? -Takes away Buggy's mask- Sweetie, this isn't Phantom of the Opera...-Runs away from Buggy-  
Buggy: Give it back! Buggy warned you not to touch the mask, now you can never be free!  
Lioness: And I care, why? _**

****_How will this end? Is Lioness going to be punjabed by Buggy(who stole it from Phantom of the Opera) or will she get away and poke Buggy to death? Find out! Next time...  
(Buggy: I did not mean aforementioned statement kindly. I meant review or I am crashing chandeliers[or any form of light I can find  
Lioness: Stop it. The end was up there -points, then drags Buggy off screaming for Erik-)  
_Buggy: I still haven't gotten my mask back, and the one that Jarry (Gobin King's nickname[shh I didn't tell you that) made me is uncomfortable. It chafes horribly.  
Lioness: - Oh, shut it. I don't want to hear about how the NON-EXISTANT mask chafes...  
Buggy: Your just jealous because you don't even have a mask to complain about.  
Lioness: Am not.  
B: R 2  
L: Not.  
B: R. Wait y r we txting?  
L: Not. I wasn't. You are/were.  
B:Rotfl. LOL. R  
L: Not. Shut up.  
B: OMG thts it. idk wat im doing, but its gonna b bad  
L: Buggy. Shut. Up. NOW!  
B:-charges towards L- FLOCKNOBBINWEHA-tackles L and steals plushie-  
L: ! PLUSHIEEEEEE! BUGGY! GIVE IT BACK!  
B:-laughs maniacally- NVR!  
L: -Tackles B and takes Rosto plushie back then duct tapes B to the wall, and walks away humming and skipping- Hehe. I win.  
B: That's what you think.-saws out of duct tape with her teeth-. I am B you can't beat me. Now let the nice people read and _Review_! Please-makes slightly disturbing pout face-  
Lioness: So, everyone, thanks for reading, and putting up with this REALLY long author's note. Thankies to Lady Wolf for reviewing all the chapters and for not refusing to talk to me. You'll see more of Lioness and Buggy soon...after I run away from Buggy and hide for a while...  
Buggy: I would also like to thank: Orohippus, Sweet Sammy Boo, Kally, and Alanna is My Hero for reviewing as well. You guys rock!** **

* * *

Chapter 4: **BOOM** (oops)

At every time in any relationship the two involved people get in a dangerous explosive fight. Now if Numair and Daine were normal people that wouldn't be a problem, but they aren't.

Daine and Numair were magically transported to the west wing, and not by their own powers.

"You two are behaving like children, no you're worse than children you are like the Graveyard Hag and Kyprioth sugar high." Weiryn was sick and tired of watching the two mortals fight over something so ridiculous. "As your father and… whatever, I am forcing the two of you to work this out now!" Weiryn disappeared to the Divine Realms.

Left alone together Dainy-poo and Numy-pie watched each other for few moments in silence.

"You burned my books!"

"You stole Cloud!"

"Dumped my potion!"

"You killed the People to decorate our room with them!"

"You told your father!"

(Buggy:"Monkey's Uncle!" Sorry I felt the need to add to this conversation. –Lioness drags Buggy off and duct tapes her to the wall-)

"I hate you!"

"Well then maybe I should go back to Varice!"

"Maybe I should have stayed in Carthak with Ozorne and left you to rot!"

Now an angry Numair is a dangerous Numair. Mentioning aforementioned emperor mage was the only way to infuriate him faster than the speed of light. As soon as the words came out Daine knew she had gone too far. Numair's face went red, then a frightening white, the air around him started to crackle with tension.

Running for cover our terrified wild mage grabbed her dragonet and hid behind a faux fur covered statue of King Jon ( the one with the fake hair color). **!**

Alanna:

Our Lioness (not the one writing the story, idjits) reached for the door knob in front of her. Only to find that there was no reason to use the door, there were no walls on her room.

"Wha-Why-How-Whe-DAINE!"

Jon (with the fake hair color):

Our illustrious and faux hair color King was in his royal rooms getting his hair dyed when he too found the rooms had no walls. Sadly in his position everyone was standing outside, seeing him in a towel alone, singing "I feel like a woman", and dying his hair. Screaming like the little girl he was inside, he ran for cover behind one of his own faux fur covered statues.

Half an hour(and Jon having a tantrum) later:

"Daine how could you do this again!"

"Hey, don't look at me it's totally all Numy-pie's, I mean Numair's fault."

"Numair how could you!"

"Hey leave him alone, no one is allowed to yell at him but me!" Numair seemed to perk up at this.

"Daine, are you defending me?"

"Yes."

"Magelet I love you."

"Me too master mage."

Jon walked into the throne room and sat on his throne pouting.

"Well that's great for you guys, but my prettyful palace has been destroyed!"

"Jon, darling we have three other palaces." Thayet had walked in also to keep crowd control.

Three Days later:

Peace had been restored as much as possible in the Salmalin household. That's right dear reader, they were married in the ruins of the West Wing. Numair patented his lemony-chicken flavoring and got his books back. Daine found Cloud and was told none of the faux fur was real. King Jon eventually forgave them (after making a public announcement that his hair color was natural, and that he was experimenting [much to Alanna's disappointment everyone believed him]).


End file.
